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Click on the title of the joke you want to read and we’ll take
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An Important Lesson To Live By
What If Dr.
Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?
Sherlock & Watson Take A
Vacation...
For a
couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
pressure
from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm
tired because I'm overworked.
The
population of this country is 237 million.
104
million are retired.
That
leaves 133 million to do the work.
There
are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of
this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving
19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are
in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take
from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
State
and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any
given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000
to do the work.
Now, there are
1,211,998 people in prisons.
That
leaves just two people to do the work, you and me.
And
you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
One day
a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to
explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go out side and look up and see if you can
see the sky.
Tommy: OK.
(He returned a few minutes later)
Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.
The
little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions
Little
Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree
outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little
girl: Tommy do you see the grass
outside?
Tommy: Yessssss
(getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little
girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss
Little
Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes
Little
Girl Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No
Little
Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have
one?
My
wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our
six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would
you like to say the blessing?"
I
wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just
say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our
daughter bowed her head and said:
"Dear
Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A
four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down
her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in
here?"
The
little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and
looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie
Monster down there?"
Again,
the little girl was silent.
Then
the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he
asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh,
no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
The
Mystery Present
It
was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils.
The
florist's son handed her a gift.
She
shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's
right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh,
just a wild guess," she said.
The
next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.
The
teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess
what it is.
A box
of sweets."
"That's
right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh,
just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The
next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner.
The
teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
She
touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is
it wine?" she asked.
"No,"
the boy replied, with some excitement.
The
teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her
tongue.
"Is
it champagne?" she asked.
"No,"
the boy replied, with more excitement.
The
teacher took one more taste before declaring
"I
give up, what is it?"
With
great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
A little guy gets
on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes
later, a big, heavy, strong mean looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat
next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy
starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask
if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the
little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to
do.
Suddenly, the
plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through
the little guy. He can't hold it in any
longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes
later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So,"
says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
A
mother was reading a book about animals to her
3-year-old
daughter:
Mother:
“What does the cow say?”
Child:
“Moo!”
Mother:
“Great! What does the cat say?”
Child:
“Meow.”
Mother:
“Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
Child: “Bud.”
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father
: No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No,
it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady :
Don't try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to Kuala
Lumpur.
Station Master :
No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Peter :
What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with
red
spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another
pair of the same at home.
Teacher
: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was
playing football and the game went into extra
time.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband
: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
First
Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second
Guy : "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
The
girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a
ring?"
"Sure,
" replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
'For
twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What
happened then?'
'We
met.'
Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it
get to Brighton in two days' time?'
Post
Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post
Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to London.
An
absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble
is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How
long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How
long has what been going on?' said the man.
Girl
: Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes, dear.
Girl
: Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
1st
thief : Oh ! The police are here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd
thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st
thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
Teacher
: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Teacher
: How ?
Student
: Ladies first.
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and
frog's leg.
Customer
: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
And the Lord spoke
to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the
whole earth with water until all is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth.
Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for
an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah
took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and
bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce
storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a
tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in
his front yard weeping.
Noah,"
He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit
for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
re-draw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and
floatation devices.
Then
my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning
commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to
save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but
still no owls.
When
I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking
two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take
very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the
Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
new flood plan. I sent them a globe.
Right
now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS
has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee
the country to avoid paying taxes. I
just got a notice from the state that I
owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a
"recreational water craft"
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth,
it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark
for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas
began to calm.
A
rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the
Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already did".
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful
daughter.
Everything
the girl touched would melt. No matter
what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of
this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.
One
day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would
not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition, any
man that can bring her daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry
her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond
is the hardest and will not melt.
But
alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a very hard alloy but the same thing
happened...so he too went away.
The third prince told the princess "Put your hand in my
pocket and feel it".
The
princess did as told, though turning red.
Yea! It did not melt!!! The king
was overjoyed!!! And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever
after...
Question:
What was the object?
Think
carefully.
Highlight
the light blue words below to find the answer.
Answer: M&M's Chocolate - melts in your mouth
and not in your hand!
The
boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem
with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"
Feeling
put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man
asked.
To
the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting
to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing
that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss
decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there,
watching over the child.
"Is
there any one there besides you?"
the boss asked the child.
"Yes"
whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering
what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No,
he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy
doing what?” asked the boss.
"Talking
to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing
concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A
hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What
is going on there?" asked the
boss, now alarmed.
In
an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."
Alarmed,
concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why
are they there"?
Still
whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're
looking for me."
An Important Lesson To Live By
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
After a couple of weeks his
secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine",
the manager says.
"When I'm on the court
and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, “To the
corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"
"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.
"Then my body says, “Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!”
Four guys were enrolled in an Organic
Chemistry class at USC.
They did so well on
all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an "A" for the semester.
These guys were so confident that they decided to go up to Stanford and
party with some friends the weekend before finals.
After all
the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to USC
until Monday morning. Since they were
late for the final, they decided to make an excuse to the professor so they
could take a make-up exam.
Later on
in the day, they found their professor and explained that they had gone to
Stanford for the weekend, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way
back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The
Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the
following day. The guys were elated and
relieved. They studied that night and
went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed
them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to
begin. They looked at the first
problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same
time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."
Each
finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the
second page was written:
(For 95
points): Which tire?
Did you hear about the kid
who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car
and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for
you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah,
well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Judi is a very busy woman who
rarely has time to do anything relaxing.
One weekend she decides to do
something relaxing at home, so she sets out to rent a movie, which she hasn’t
done in a long time.
She goes to the video store
and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds informative,
yet interesting.
She drives home, slips into
something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to
complain.
Judi: I just rented a movie
from your store and there’s nothing on the tape but static.
Store Clerk: Sorry about
that. We've had problems with some of those tapes.
Which title did you rent?
Judi: It's called The VCR Head Cleaner.
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a
port,
And the bus is
interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address
of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor
finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the
double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is
corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your
situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on
your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network
is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets
want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's
repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen
is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in
the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as
well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure
as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of
your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the
micro-code instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to
flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off
your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Betty and Bob
have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying
he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.
Betty is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook
a meal for them all. Bob explains that
there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles
her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps
she can bake a cake.
This sounds like
a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get. Friday morning wife calls the office in
tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.
Bob asks, "Why don't you just double the
recipe?"
She decides that
is a good idea.
At four, Bob gets another phone call -- this time quite
frantic.
"I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."
"Now, now,
what's the matter?"
"Well,
their recipe calls for two eggs..."
"So, you
use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?
"Yes --
then it needs 4 cups of flour."
"Well," Bob says
rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the
problem?"
"It isn't
the ingredients," Betty cries, "it says that the cake must be baked
at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700
degrees!"
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under
Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the
door.
But that's a good point, the man sitting in the cubicle
next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large
variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax
the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because
he needed to keep it.
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the
Internet onto this disk for me?"
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the
Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the
Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the
File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because
of the icons - I'm
a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term
sir. I don't believe
it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'.
I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the
'little picture' of
filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my
game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to
reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed
my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New
Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was
having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out
blurry. It seemed strange that the
printer was smearing only the bottom half.
I walked her through the basics, then went over and
printed out a test sheet. It printed
fine.
I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the
printer.
As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and
showed it to me.
I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.
Problem solved.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's
DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I
just couldn't solve. She could not
print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine, which truly
baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan
and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the
drivers.
Nothing worked.
I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I
was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she
asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of
this yellow paper?"
And another user was all confused about why the cursor
always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were
difficult to depress.
She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the
mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access
Denied" message every time he logs in.
It turned out he was typing his username and password in
capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use
lower case letters."
Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my
keyboard."
Email from a friend:
"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet
afternoon. He noticed a young woman
sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her
chest, staring at the clock.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in
the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's
about time! I pressed the F1 button
over twenty minutes ago!"
A man is asleep in bed with his wife
when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the morning.
"Argh! I'm not getting out of bed this time of
night!", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you
going to answer that?" asks his
wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is a man standing at the
door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was
drunk.
"Hi
there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three.
I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife
what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started
again? What would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?"
"But the guy is drunk" says the
husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the
wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help
him."
So the
husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see
the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a
push??" and he hears a voice cry out
"Yeah, please."
So, still
being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk
replies "I'm over here, on your swing."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do
all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination
was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain
English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the
man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
An Irishman, a Mexican and a
blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a
building. They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm
going to jump off this building."
The Mexican
opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I'm going to
jump off, too."
The blond
opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the
Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his
death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna
and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral
The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired
he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's
wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s
wife. "Hey, don't look at me"
she said. "He makes his own lunch."
Cannibals captured a
Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker. The chief comes to them and says,
"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you.
We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a
canoe.
The good news is that you get
to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I
take ze sword." The chief gives
him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A
pistol for me, please." The chief
gives him a pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says,
"Gimme a fork." the chief is
puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and
starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and
asks, "my God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "so
much for your canoe!”
Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when
the first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are
we poisonous?" "Why?" asked the second little snake, to which
the first little snake replied, "Because I just bit my lip!"
NUMBER ONE
A wealthy man named Richard
Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a
A100.00 bill on his desk.
But when he returned for it a
short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the
bill. One was the maid and the other was the butler.
The maid told him that she
had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked, the bill was not
there. The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he
thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that
he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said.
But when they looked, there
was no money in the book. After Mr.
Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure
he knew who had taken the money.
Who was it, and how did he
know?
NUMBER TWO:
I dig out tiny caves, and
store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns
of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are
afraid to let me help them. Who am I?
NUMBER THREE:
I have seven letters. The
first two stand for a boy. The first
three stand for a girl. The first four stand for a brave boy. But all of my
letters stand for a brave girl. What word am I?
NUMBER FOUR:
A beggar's brother died, but
the man who died had no
brother. How could this be?
DON'T CHEAT........THINK
HARDER.........
Answers:
NUMBER ONE:
The butler did it. Mr. Ellis
knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed
on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.
NUMBER TWO:
A Dentist
NUMBER THREE:
Heroine
NUMBER FOUR:
The beggar was a woman.
A STUDENT WRITES A LETTER VIA TELEGRAM TO HIS DAD.
IT GOES...”NO FUN, SEND MON, YOUR SON!”
DAD WRITES BACK SAYING...”SO SAD, TOO BAD, YOUR DAD!”
IF YESTERDAY'S
TOMORROW WAS SATURDAY, WHAT IS THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW'S YESTERDAY?
There was once an aspiring
veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a
taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided
he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients
and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
A blond called the fire
department.
She screams into the phone,
"Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire."
The fire chief replied,
"OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blond said, "Duh,
Red Truck!"
Sandy began a job as an
elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess
she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if
she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later,
however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy
offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then
said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making
progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the
little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring
the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor
Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash
register.
"Cash or charge?" the
clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then
apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the
motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the
bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Little Everyday Things
They keep telling us to get
in touch with our bodies.
Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it
the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to
go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said,
"listen up... do it and
die."
I read this article that said
the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,
sleeping too much, impulse buying,
and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
"If men can
run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
The divorce proceedings had
been long, contentious, and extremely heated.
Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one
last try at a no-alimony settlement.
"Your Honor," he
said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to
have a husband who still believes in
chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Counselor,"
replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its
entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your
client opening that car door while he was
driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
Sherlock & Watson Take A Vacation...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a
camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine,
they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged
his faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is
in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful,
and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, and then
spoke.
"Watson, someone has stolen our
tent."